Christmas Card

Dr. Frankenstein: "Igor, why must you torment the Beast?"
Igor: "But Master, it is what I do!"
(Van Helsing, Approximately)

Christmas came and went this year. Once again, I've failed to muster up a contribution to the charming little Anglo-Saxon seasonal fiction, known as The Annual Christmas Letter. Like every bit of good propaganda, it usually contains a supporting visual, in most cases: The litter Their Serene Highnesses, the Children, moist little muzzles and paws wiped gleaming with much toiletries, beribonned and becombed, festooneed in formal garments. The photo montage must compose, by any means necessary, an air of harmony and tranquility. "Peace on Earth; The Way We Were, 2004"--after which point the little blessings can go back to mewling, yawping and the merry business of generally trying to kill each another. "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord," one card sports a verse from Psalms. Undoubtedly written by an aged and childless prophet that one.

As for the letter, I am feeling inspired by Science. "Remain forever young! Because you'll never grow old, that is. A Finnish study provides supporting evidence for something most women instinctively know--having boys shortens your life span...on average 34 weeks per boy." A little depressing? How about linguistics and psychology. "Let us reflect upon the word hysteria, originating from the Latin hystericus literally, of the womb, from Greek husterikos, from hustera the womb, from the belief that hysteria in women originated in disorders of the womb. (Collins English Dictionary, 1979). Hysteria continued to be pegged as a female disorder until early psychological research after World War I revealed that the male veterans who survived being gassed in the trenches of France exhibited similar symptoms, at which point hysteria became associated with post traumatic stress disorder." Shell-shock and parturition, hmmh...maybe not. How about Pop Culture? "Desperate Housewives, I find it a little too coincidental that the only woman on that show who remotely looks like a housewife has four boys, two of them twins."

Getting nowhere. Better fall back on some tried-and-true techniques of the genre--The Children's Accomplishments. "We note the other day that the puppies twins started exhibiting symptoms of pack behavior. Their grandmother had one of those little disposable cameras. Quite by accident, they learned that the object, when hurled to the floor, would go off in quite a pretty flash of bright light...at which point the object of desire was removed from their grasp. Pirate initiated the diversionary tactic throwing plumpy little arms around his grandmother in a display of affection, while Blondie made off with the camera." Flush with maternal pride, "It's all worth it. My little reivers may have Potential." In a few years time, the little dears could be mastering offshore online gambling.

Time for the closing touch: Must wrap up with a mention of some noteworthy family jaunt...Yesterday, our family barely made it out of Chick Fil-A in one piece to some exotic locale halfway around the world...